Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
