You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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