I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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