I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
