Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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