I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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