I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize