Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
