I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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