it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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