I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
