Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i think i have two assholes
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
