i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
