Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
