So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize