Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
