First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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