How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
