I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
