You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
