If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
