Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
