I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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