note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize