he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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