just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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