my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize