i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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