peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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