You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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