we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
