new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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