Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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