the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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