Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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