Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
