No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
