do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
