At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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