I faked an abortion last night.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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