I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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