From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
