I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I want her autograph on my taint
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Randomize
