the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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