the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
