Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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