My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
