i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
