The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
