I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
