Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
