Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
