My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
