He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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