My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
