I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
