Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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