someone owes me an orgasm
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
