i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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