i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
